Humorous

Getting old is when...

. . . Your Sweetie Says, "Lets Go Upstairs and Make Love," and You Answer, "Honey, I Can't Do Both!"

. . . Your friends compliment you on your "New Alligator Shoes" and You're Barefoot!

. . . The porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."

. . . A sexy babe catches your fancy and Your Pacemaker Opens The Garage Door Nearest Your Car.

. . . You remember when the Dead Sea was Only Sick.

. . . Going Bra-Less Pulls All The Wrinkles Out Of Your Face.

. . . You don't care where your spouse goes, Just as long as you don't have to go along.

. . . When it takes Longer To Rest Than To Get Tired.

. . . When you are cautioned to "Slow Down" by The Doctor Instead of The Police.

. . . "Getting a Little Action" Means NOT Having To Take Any Fiber Today.

. . . "Getting Lucky" Means You FIND Your Car in the parking lot.

. . . When an "All Nighter" Means NOT Getting Up To Pee!

BABY BOOMERS, THEN AND NOW

Then: Long hair
Now : Longing for hair

Then: A keg
Now : An EKG

Then: Acid rock
Now : Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now : Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now : Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now : Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: The President's struggle with Fidel
Now : The President's struggle with fidelity

Then: Killer weed
Now : Weed killer

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now : Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now : Getting a new hip joint
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by DAVE BARRY

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens ... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your friends love you anyway.
25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.
11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
14. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
24. You're reading this
Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
CONSIDER THIS...

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, though no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him/her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics,
Then, my friends, You are ALMOST as good as your dog...
TIMELY QUOTES

(1). "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its' going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
(3). "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4). "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5). "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
(6). "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(7). "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
(8). "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
(9). "Also, their music drives me wild. This `Rock Around The Clock` thing is nothing but racket."
(10). "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying `damn` in `Gone With The Wind,` it seems every movie has a `hell` or`damn in it."
(11). "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"
(12)."Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."
(13). "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
(14). "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(15). "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
(16). "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
(17). "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(18). "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(19). "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(20). "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
(21). " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."
(22). "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"
(23). "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."
(24). "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
(25). "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
(26). "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."
(27). "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."
(28). The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
(29). "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
(30). "Anymore no one can afford to be sick; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
(31). "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
(32). "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
(33). "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."
(34). "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
(35). "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."

No it wasn't so long ago!!!