The Humor File

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Life without humor would be pretty bleak, no? Reader's Digest has, for more years than I've been alive, devoted a lot of ink to humor. I suspect it's the first thing people read as they leaf through it in a doctor's waiting room ... I know I do. The comics are the first pages I read in the newspaper. (I used to travel on business a lot, and for several years, always found myself upgraded to first class ... airlines like to take care of their high revenue customers. A flight attendant came through and offered me and my seat mate a copy of the Wall Street Journal, which I declined. She asked if I was sure, and I told her, "Too complicated; no comics").

The Internet has really changed the "distribution function" for humor. Much is redundant, although it is fun to see how a particular item morphs over time. Some is marginally funny, and way more than I'd like is funny to one group and offensive to everyone else, and then some is just truly worth a big laugh. At any rate, I will post some of the things that made me laugh or think or ponder on this page, and I'll try hard to "rotate the stock" so to speak.

Enjoy -- and I hope you laugh ... it's good for you!

A Succinct Summary of the Election of 2004

The Democrats' mistake was in thinking that a disastrous war, national bankruptcy, erosion of liberties corporate takeover of government, environmental destruction, squandering our economic and moral leadership and systematic Administration lying would be of serious concern to the American electorate.

The Republicans correctly saw that the chief concern of the voters was to keep gay couples from having an abortion.

Two Wolves

One evening, an Old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside each of us."

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, sorrow, regret, resentment, intolerance, superiority, and lies.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, tolerance, compassion, truth, generosity, and kindness.

The grandson thinks about this a minute, and then says, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee looked at his grandson and said, "The one you feed."

I first heard this story from a Marine Gunnery Sgt in the north part of South Vietnam, shortly before he was scheduled to head home. He had received some good ground coffee from his wife and he shared a canteen cup with me as we talked about his excitement at going home. He said, "Combat encourages you to feed your Bad Wolf. I am working at feeding my good one because I want to get home with that one in control of my soul." I've heard the story many times since then, but his telling was my first hearing. Since then, I've thought about my wolves often.

Diet Is Important For A Long Life

A Question and Answer Session with a doctor.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp the logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'"

Truisms of War

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit"
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"Aim towards the Enemy"
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
U.S. Marine Corps Manual

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground"
USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed"
U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons"
General Douglas Macarthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo"
Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways"
U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush"
Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection"
Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once"
Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do"
Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you"
Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him"
USAF Ammo Troop

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3"
Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire"
Anonymous Pilot

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash"
Unknown

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you"
Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime"
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB AZ

"Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there"
Ground School Manual

USS Constitution

The USS Constitution, "Old Ironsides", as a Revolutionary War combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last for six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers).

According to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the USS Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,499 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum. He mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. She then headed for the Azores, arriving there on 12 November. There, she took on 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 December, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war ships and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels, salvaging only the rum aboard each

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt scotch aboard by dawn. Then, Old Ironsides headed home.

The USS Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, 7 months after she left. On landing, she was found to have no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey.......and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

WAY TO GO, NAVY!

Short IQ Test

Here's a short quiz that tests your knowledge and reasoning ability. Like most such tests, you should not agonize over the answers but rather go with what you intuitively know.

How long did the Hundred Years War last?
Which country makes Panama hats?
From which animal do we get catgut?
In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
What is a camel's hair brush made of?
The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
What was King George VI's first name?
What color is a purple finch?
Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
What color is the black box in a commercial airplane?
Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?

Click here for answers.

So ... how'd you do? 40% is considered a pretty good score. If however, you went to the encyclopedias on-line and looked them up, you really should do something about your compulsive perfection problem ... there is no reward for getting any of them right.

Ground Hog Day

In 2006, for no apparent reason (nor for any real significance either), the President's State of the Union message fell on Groundhog Day. Air America irreverently noted this confluence of two unrelated events with, "One is a meaningless ritual in which a creature of very limited intelligence prognosticates, whereas the other involves a groundhog."

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